Building Attunement in Marriage
By Sarah Cook, LPC-S
Building attunement in marriage involves creating a deep emotional connection and understanding between spouses. Attunement can sound extravagant, but really it is about growing together and knowing each other deeply. This doesn’t happen overnight and takes intentional practice!! Here are some ways to foster attunement, if this is all new to you, pick a couple of them to focus on and build some consistency.
Active Listening: Pay close attention when your spouse speaks. Show that you understand their feelings and perspectives through reflective listening and empathy.
Emotional Responsiveness: Be aware of and respond to your spouse’s emotional needs. Validate their feelings and offer support in times of distress.
Nonverbal Communication: Use body language, eye contact, and touch to convey your understanding and connection. These nonverbal cues can strengthen emotional bonds.
Shared Experiences: Engage in activities together that foster closeness and create shared memories. This helps build a deeper understanding of each other’s interests and values.
Empathy Practice: Make an effort to see things from your partner’s perspective. Empathy involves not just understanding their emotions but connecting with how they feel.
Consistent Check-Ins: Regularly discuss each other’s feelings, needs, and concerns. This ongoing dialogue helps you stay attuned to each other’s emotional states. This is often helpful when done at a consistent scheduled time – just make sure it isn’t date night!
Emotional Safety: Create a safe space where both spouses feel comfortable expressing their true feelings without fear, judgment, or criticism. This requires some insight into your “typical” way of responding to emotional conversations and being aware of how certain responses might lend to your spouse shutting down.
Support Each Other’s Growth: Encourage and support each other’s personal growth. Recognizing and valuing each other’s development can enhance attunement.
Practice Patience: Building attunement takes time. Be patient and persistent in your efforts to understand and connect with your spouse.
Seek Feedback: Ask for feedback on how you’re doing in terms of understanding and meeting each other’s emotional needs. Be open to making adjustments based on this feedback.
Pray Together: Regularly coming together and for one another helps build a spiritual bond in marriage.
Acts of Kindness: This is not to be confused with handling a chore or task, but rather choosing to move in such a way that would speak kindness toward your spouse. For example, if you chronically run late and you know that peeves your spouse, make an intentional effort to be ready on time. Think of this as choosing to care for the other person’s needs without them asking.
Catch Each Other Trying: Name and notice when you see the other person working on building attunement and stepping outside of their comfort zone.
